I was reading a manhwa titled Lost & Found. About emotionally unavailable relationship. About broken people lost love and founding love.
It is really a manhwa that makes you feel lost and found. A good one. I realize that I am lost and have no idea what to do. But another side is I find the problem and then brainstorming to choose good solutions for me.
I read this article. I quoted it here:
“If deep down, I feel inadequate and fear I don’t deserve love, then my instincts tell me that eventually, you’re going to find out about me, realize that I’m not good enough, and break my heart.
So I love you from a distance. I stay aloof and disengaged. I refuse to give you much of my time because it won’t hurt as much when you tell me you’re going to leave me.
I wear my armor and hold you at arm’s length. I’ve been flooded by rejection, sadness, and feelings of being unworthy before, and it’s not something I can handle after I get close.”
After reading that article I remember how I always attracted to emotionally unavailable man. They are so twisted that somehow I don’t feel like a broken person alone. And kinda wish that perhaps, with us together, we can help each other.
However that kind of wish is a sad wish. Because they incapable of loving as I am too. I can’t over love when I have nothing in me.
And the universe know. The God know that I can’t be saved by anybody except myself.
It’s funny when this enlightenment happen after I complain a lot to God on how is it possible that I have no romantic relationship at all until I reached 31.
I am petrified to be a wondering ghost who can’t find peace since she is curious about how romantic love feels like. This is silly but painful at the same time.
That’s the reason I decide I’ll try to be emotional available person today. Trying to fill my heart with love from myself, plead to God and giving love.
So this is a love letter to myself : “I do neglect you a lot. Since I don’t even have an energy left to love. I can’t bring myself to love because I need to be loved as well. I surrender to pleasure, to fantasy so I can feel loved.
But I know this is only a short term solutions. Therefore today, this moment, I want to say that I love you. You’re important and relevant. You deserve to get a lot of love. I’m sorry. I’m weak. And we gonna be okay eventually. OOO
And to anybody who read this:
“You deserve to get a lot of love. So I send you a virtual hug and smile. Hope today, even though everything doesn’t go as plan. In the end of the day you’re able to sleep peacefully since you have face life with bravery, and you’re not giving up, and even you give up, it’s okay too. Take your time. You are loved.